Why does it stings so bad when you don’t know enough about the person you’re talking to?

He loves his bestfriend. I know. He told me that on the beginning of his story. But then why does it hurt me so bad when I know that they’re getting back together? Like I should’ve known that eventually they will get back together. I said that on the first place. But still…

I told him to try hard to get her back but then when they did…

What feelings is this?

The strange feelings that I’ve never had before.

The feelings where I’m actually praying that they won’t get back together.

God, I’m so selfish.

I used to wait for you every night and day just to get a good morning or good night text for you. Distance could be out biggest problem but we solve it out.

Everyday at school I secretly open my phone just to text you ‘good night’ because we have like 12hr differences.

But I’m fine with it.

You wake up early at 5 for me so we can have a call but sometime I fell asleep early and we can’t call which make me sad.

Timezone. Both of us we defeat timezone.

I am so grateful to meet you but then,

I pushed you away and now that you’re actually leaving I’m starting to realize that you’re the only reason I can sleep and night and wake up with a feeling of checking my phone immediately.

I don’t know why I do this.

I pushed people I love then regretting it.

Thinking that they might come back one day but hey, it has been 2 month that I haven’t speak to you and I think it won’t change until forever.

I don’t even know if you will read this but I write it not for you to read (even though I kinda hope you will) but I just wanted to tell you about my feeling.

You don’t know what you do to me when you don’t want to talk to me and I know exactly the reason for that.

The only reason you don’t want to talk to me is because of me.

How selfish, stubborn and egoist I am.

I act like shit then blame you for everything that happened when in fact it is all my fault.

I want to apologize but I know that sorry isn’t enough to make you come back and I’m not gonna try because it is impossible for you to want to talk to me ever again.

I didn’t think about your feelings because I am too blinded by my ‘egoistic thought’.

I’m sorry I can’t say it to you.

I’m sorry to be mad at you always.

I’m sorry for blaming you for everything.

When you say ‘don’t drink’ I realize that you’re doing it for me but hey, I’m just- I’m such a- yea.

But hey, I’m glad that I get to meet and know you.

I hope you will find your happiness without getting hurt by the people you love.

I hope you won’t have a bad luck again because of that black cat.

I’m so happy that you are there for more than 2 month until I ruin everything.

I love you and I hope you will find someone better than me or that girl you always talk about.


Dedicated for: Anthony Arias who’ve made me feel this way. I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done and if I can turn back time, I will still do the same because I know it’s better for you to forget me than to be tortured when you’re with me (: 

with love, your internet ex-best friend


Unless if you want to use it as a prompt please give a credit or just contact me on litaniazhou@gmail.com for business requirement.


© 2016 Litania Zhou


2 thoughts on “FEELING #1

  1. Chyfrin the Celtic poet says:

    she said
    ‘sometimes the greatest assault
    is the gift of friendship
    to one whom is unaccustomed to trust’

    i could see that she had been bitten
    by the way she hid the scar

    she said
    ‘trust cannot be given
    it cannot be earned
    in fact i believe it is a myth
    like love
    and honor’

    i watched
    as she turned to face a big picture window
    watched her shoulders heave
    as she tried not crying
    watched without speaking the words

    i watched
    as the world turned in its silent bearings
    watched as day followed night
    followed day
    followed night. . .

    i patted the pocket over my heart
    where i used to keep the cigarettes
    and i swore
    with my hand over my heart
    i swore in words i do not understand

    i would have reached to touch her back
    if i had
    had a hand

    i would have whispered
    the soft whispers of reassurance
    if i had
    had a mouth

    i would have
    somehow made sense of all this

    Liked by 1 person

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