From when I was a kid, I always thought to be independent. Work for what I want because nothing is free, got my hand all rough from lifting heavy stuff, looking at the mirror only to hate the person I was seeing.
I once to sneak out to the city. To see tall building and fancy car. How I admire those women in tight dress and a fluffy scarf. Then I look down and once again hate what I was wearing. A dirty cloth and a slipper.
I can feel eyes stabbing my back, they are probably thinking ‘how did this little rat get here? her place is in the gutter and no where around here‘. Don’t worry I am used to hear those mean words. My classmate says that too much I even think to put ‘rat‘ as my middle name. Alexandra rat Ingram. Yes that fit perfectly on my name.
I always blame my dad for leaving mom and I. He leave for another girl but never return even when mom is giving birth to me. We live near the street while I’m sure he is having a dinner on a warm giant table in a place called ‘home’ where the only place I can call that is when I am around my mom.
I am very thankful for having a mom like my mom. She never get tired of me complaining each day for our pitiful life, she did not ditch or throw me, she loves me and she always be there for me whenever I need her and I swear that she is the only one I need in my life because no one will ever want to stay as much as she do.
Scholarship. I study hard and get a scholarship to the best school in town. Rich people’s school. I keep it low profile so they won’t notice my existence but they just did. Scorn is almost like song to my ears and I am used to it. Getting my table all dirty or my locker full of trash is fine with me because I am here to study and to get out from this pitiful life of mine to somewhere out there where I can work for my mom and I and for once we will life a happy life.
But that’s just impossible isn’t it?
Now that the time has come and the graduation is near, many people are trying to bring me down to the second place so that I won’t have any future and guess what? they did it.
What can I do?
Where can I go?
Who am I going to talk to?
I am not going home. I can’t face my mom. She worked really hard for me and I fail. She will be so disappointed and I just can’t bare to see her crying again like she always did every night while praying to God above.
Is there really God? If it is then where is He and why isn’t He helping us? Did He closes his ears so that He won’t listen to the beggars? Why did he giving fortune for the wealth and nothing for us?
Now that I am not in the first position all my dreams are destroyed. I have nowhere to go not even my house. I got lost and now I’m standing here in front of a five star restaurant. Admiring those guys in suit and the jewelries that fit those women’s neck perfectly.
I am tired of keeping my head up all the time trying to look tough when in fact I am just a jelly inside. I am fragile all I do is just knitting back the heart that is torn.
I am lost.
I am praying but I don’t know who am I praying for.
Look at them. They don’t even have to try. They get what they want just as easy as snapping a finger. They breathe out money while me? Even if I cry blood no money will come.
How can this world be so unfair?
Who am I praying to?
Why am I born in this family?
When can I be happy? being with my mom is the only happiness I got but I never make her happy. At least not after I got kicked out from the scholarship.
Where can I find my father? the guy who is suppose to be with us, feeding and playing with us are nowhere to be found.
What should I do to taste how does it feels to not worrying about the future?