Without Me

Jeremiah: one and only name that I can think of a second after I wake up and hours before I fell asleep.

Looking at the guy in the jersey number 1, I pretend to scroll through my phone when I secretly taking a few glance to that guy, how his perfectly builded muscles moves as he shoot the ball into the basket.

Just for how long I have been keeping this feelings for myself? One years? Two years? I think it has been seven years already.

This feelings starting to grow when we were in grade 4 elementary school. He used to be not-this-handsome kid on our Bach. or even on the entire school. and at that time, I have no feelings for him.

Until he move into my class and my classmate (somehow) started to put me and him as a ‘couple of the class’. At first I will be mad at those who will pair us up but then it started to feel- natural.

I didn’t realize that I actually starting to like it. “Jeremiah and Catherine” I can feel there is connection between the names.

As time gone by, we are now in middle school. Puberty starting to hit him like a truck and now he become the ‘most wanted’ guy in school. No more fats, no more pimples, it almost like he has an surgery on summer before school starts.

Girls starting to going crazy on him and there he got his first girlfriend: Jasmine, the kind of girl who is feminine, soft and good looking of course. Has a good grades, long light curly brown hair and eyes, soft pink lips and a nice body. The kind of girl who can make the entire planet bow down just to get her number.

While my best friends talked about how annoying sir Freddie is because he gave us a lot of homework to do, I can’t stop thinking about him because he is freaking sitting next to our table in the cafeteria with his girlfriend. 

Unconsciously, I pray for them to break up.

and God answered my prayer.

The first two weeks is the hardest for Jasmine. I know because the moment they break up, we became best friends. She told me how much she hated him but at the same time she still wants him while on the other side, he seems okay.

It is a nature’s rule for a good-looking person to not being single for more than one month and now, it’s Hillary: the blonde, cherry lips, blue eyes, skinny and cheerleader. Just how perfect they are, one from the basketball team and one from the cheerleader team where they can absolutely meet each other everyday at school or at practice.

This one last longer.

Two month, I think, until he found out that she is cheating on him with his best friend which is no other than the captain of the basketball team.

He doesn’t look happy at all for three days. He refuse to talk to anyone, nor focusing his attention on studies.

But the rule still apply: in one week, he date a girl outside the school name Patricia: black hair, dark brown eyes, tan skin, and nothing special if you want to compare her with the other two exes. It is almost like she is a rebound.

A hella long rebound. They dated for more than 4 month and break up because she has to move outside the city and she doesn’t want LDR.

A perfect chance for me because in that particular moment, for more than two month, he stay single.

But I have my boyfriend.

At first I thought that breaking up with my current boyfriend will gives me at least a 0.01 chance to be with him but it is actually impossible.

No matter how many time my parents told me that I am pretty, I know that I am not pretty enough for him.

No matter how many time my friends told me that I am a good person, I know that I am not good enough for him.

He is like- above the clouds. He is out of reach.

It’s like he is the moon and I am the stars. Far away, we look like we are close with each other when in reality, there will be zero chance for us to meet.

I was thinking that this is just a childhood crush. I wasn’t planning on liking him for this long and now that I am, I didn’t know what to do.

Now, not even talking to him, even walking passing his classroom makes my feet become jelly.

I fell for him but as much as I wanted to be with him, I know that it is impossible.

Call me pessimist but I know that I am not his type,

and I will never be.

Looking at him with all of those girls hurts me.

Looking at him laughing with another girls hurts me.

Looking at him talking casually with those people hurts me.

Looking at him choosing those pretty girl hurts me.

Looking at him being happy hurts me.

The truth is, the thing that hurt me the most is the fact that he did all of those things with anyone else but me and that he will still be happy even without me in his life.


while I can’t.



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